Headlines: Game-date March 8th
Earthquakes nothing to worry about
The recent spate of earthquakes appears to be receeding, according to Glynn Chambers of the University of Washing Geological School.
"We have no explanation for the shaking, but it does seem to be slackening off. Everything is okay in the world, folks." he said, with a grin. "Nothing wrong has happened." he hastened to add, touching his fingertips delicately to his lapels. This reporter, for one, agrees.
Vancouver Commuters Beg for Mercy as Their Bus Appears to Bleed Horrifically
Police chief reports falling crime rates
According to the Seattle Chief of Police, Jason Spiqiil, Omnicron and local police buroughs are the thank on.
And now, back to our studio
A news desk immediately comes into view, though the camera's focus is slightly off. The News Anchor, a Caucasian male in his late 30s to early 40s sits behind the desk, wearing a blue suit jacket, white shirt, and red tie. Though the image is blurry, his expression can easily be described as a grimace.
Five seconds of silence pass as the Anchor stares forward, directly into the camera. He clutches a set of notes tightly in his hands and remains unmoving until the picture comes fully into focus.
"Nothing..." The Anchor speaks in a sharp, sudden manner, then trails off.
"Nothing," he begins again, "Nothing wrong has happened in the world."
Five to ten seconds pass as the Anchor remains motionless, to the point of not blinking.
"Nothing wrong has ever happened." He adds.
A groan can be heard off-camera, followed by a dragging sound. The Anchor turns his head smoothly to the left, then angles his gaze to the floor by dropping his chin rather than moving his eyes.
The dragging sound persists until the Anchor moves suddenly, as if the hem of his jacket has been roughly tugged upon. At this point, the Anchor seems to raise his foot and quickly lower it repeatedly on an unseen object behind the desk.
A muffled wheeze accompanies the sound of a wet cracking noise.
"There is no weather this evening." The Anchor continues looking at the floor as he speaks.
The image shifts to a wall-sized blue screen with a superimposed graphic of the United States. The screen has been torn at the center, revealing a variety of standard television equipment and lights stored just behind.
The US map shifts suddenly to footage of a crying infant with flies invading its mouth.
A local commercial for "Pete's Pick 'n Pull" auto body shop airs. A man in a cowboy hat, calling himself "Price-Wrangler Pete" touches upon the virtues of buying used auto parts.
Commercial abruptly ends mid-sentence as the News Anchor reappears at his desk. He adjusts his tie slightly, and at this point it becomes obvious that his palms are stained with blood.
"We don't wish to alarm our viewers." The Anchor leans in with what seems to be a reassuring nod. "Nothing wrong is still happening."
The Anchor clutches his papers again and looks to them, slowly, as if it is a struggle to bring his gaze to whatever is printed on the page.
"Sports." The Anchor nearly shrieks through gritted teeth.
The image cuts to a young man in his mid to late 20s. He appears to have a "buzz cut" hairstyle and is wearing a sweater vest over a white dress shirt. This man is standing at the back of the studio, far from his desk in the foreground.
The desk is emblazoned with the words "SPORTS TALK with Tommy Sachs", though the words have been written over with a profanity scrawled in what appears to be blood.
In the background of the shot, the man presumed to be Tommy Sachs is in sharp focus. He climbs onto a small wooden crate and calmly tosses a noose over the rafters. He then secures the rope and places his head through the noose.
The image returns to the Anchor just as Tommy steps from the crate. The Anchor looks up from his papers with a dramatic expression of relief.
"That's it for sports." he remarks.
"Lastly, this evening..." the Anchor seems to be less agitated at this point, "Wrong things have never happened and will continue to not happen. Please sit in your homes calmly and trust that the universe corrects all errors, no matter how small. The connection has been made."
Standard "news theme" music begins to play softly, then is turned to a deafening level as if a knob has been frantically raised by hand. The picture blurs again as the News Anchor slowly and methodically slams his forehead against the surface of his desk.
he scene repeats ceaselessly for no less than one minute as the Anchor's face becomes bloody and his features distort from injury. No sound of impact can be heard over the din of music best described as tinny and unpleasant.
Rates of Mental Illness, Murder, Suicide stableDespite claims to the contrary, the rate of Mental Illness reported in the USA is steady and may in fact be dropping. The same can be said for murder and above all, suicide, despite rumors plaguing police.
According to demographics (see graph, right) everything is alright.
Experts are also very calm and are not commenting.